Coaching the Person, Not the Problem

How a systemic and integral approach might help

When Orla stopped carrying what wasn’t hers, she began to walk differently — toward herself.

Orla had tried everything.

Every diet. Every trainer. Every expert with a plan. She knew the calorie counts of hundreds of foods by heart. She weighed and measured, cut carbs, tracked her eating, signed up for boot camps.

And every time, she'd lose a few kilos — only to gain them back when she let up, even just a little.

“I just want to feel better,” she’d say. “But the control it takes, it’s exhausting. I’m always back where I started.”

Or:

“I used to love yoga. Now I don’t want to go anymore. I look at myself in those mirrors and all I see is Humpty Dumpty.”

From the outside, it might have looked like a motivation problem.

For Orla, it could have felt like a battle with her own body.

But a deeper approach would reveal something else entirely.

What the Scale Doesn’t Show

Wherever she turned, Orla found herself having to be the fixer, the peacekeeper, the one expected to hold everything together. She worked full-time in a demanding role, managing a team with contrary personalities, and carried the emotional load of being mother to a child with complex needs, with very little support from her partner.

Her team clashed often. There were subtle power plays, unsaid tensions, and emotional noise that no one wanted to name. Orla walked the tightrope between them, absorbing the friction, resolving the skirmishes. Always managing, always buffering.

It was exhausting.

It showed up in her sleep. In her mood. In her body.

To Orla and everyone else, it might have looked like “weight,” but it was so much more than that.

Coaching from the Inside Out

In an integral and systemic coaching relationship, we wouldn’t just zoom in on weight loss, or stress management, or leadership tips, even if a client like Orla came asking for that.

We’d begin with curiosity. With what Orla is carrying. With what she believes she’s supposed to carry. And with how that burden shapes her identity, her body, and her voice.

We might explore:

• Her relationship to responsibility and rest

• The dynamics she’s absorbed in her team, and her unconscious role in them

• The emotions she’s never had time to name

• The beliefs she holds about her own worth — about taking up space without apology, and saying no without fear.

Rather than working on changing her team, we might look at changing her relationship to leadership itself. Rather than working on her weight, we might work on her relationship with herself. Not because Orla’s “problems” aren’t real – they very much are - but because the real leverage lies elsewhere.

What Might Begin to Shift when Coaching the Person

With support, Orla might start resting — not as a reward for productivity, but as a birthright.

She might discover a clear, strong and directional voice she’s always had but never used. She might begin to say no — not to food, but to everything that depleted her power. She may become more aware of what really matters to her, what she will and won’t tolerate. She might even stop attempting to mediate every conflict to keep others happy, and begin to name what she truly needs.

And yes, perhaps the weight might begin to release. But other things might start to shift in place too:

“I used to think I’d be happy if I was skinny,” she might say. “Now I know: the happiness comes first.”

Or:

“The moment I let go of carrying everyone else’s stuff, I found capacity to carry myself differently.”

The Takeaway

This story isn’t about a specific client. Orla is a fictional composite, drawn from familiar patterns I’ve encountered again and again. Her story shows what can happen when we coach the person, rather than the problem: A shift, not just in behaviour, but in the way of seeing, relating, carrying, responding, and becoming.

That’s the heart of both systemic and integral coaching: To see the clients in context, to trust their deeper unfolding, and to support transformation that is not forced — but owned, embodied, and sustainable.